The pliable bag length fish...

I do have to give Chinese folks some credit: I've encountered more people here who speak English than in Tokyo. But with one billion people, you'd think as much. When I rented a cell phone at the airport, the service woman could not speak or understand one word of English. She relied on an electronic translation dictionary, which spit out completely meaningless sentences. (After 40 painful minutes, I managed to rent a phone). From what I've seen around town on billboards and signs, the electronic translation device is popular. Some examples:

A huge billboard advertising either Marriot hotels or long-term apartments shows a woman in a business suit in a hotel bedroom setting. The copy reads: "Renewed. Refreshed. Refurbished."

An ad in my hotel elevator entices readers to a restaurant offering "pliable bag length fish." The picture shows miniature eel-like creatures.

This is my favorite: "Pulling down bakes traditional state banquet well-known dish on the pig's head." Sounds yummilicious.

Many entrepreneurs have complained that though employees may read and write English perfectly, they can hardly carry on a conversation. I used a friend's office to work the other night. I turned to the only person around and asked if he spoke English. "No," he said. I asked anyways and pointed to my watch: "What time does the office close?" He said something in Mandarin; I told him I didn't understand. He grabbed my pen and scribbled this: "If you don't leave, they will not lock the door."